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Ask Aunty Hilda

Submit questions, topics of discussion and issues to your supportive team of Aunties and keep an eye on this column for a response :)

Please remember this is not a helpline. We only answer questions once per week. Not all questions will be published. If you need more urgent support, please contact:

Youthline on 234,  

1737 Need to talk?  

lifeline Aotearoa 4357

or contact Marcelle, mnaderturner@shcs.school.nz for a school appointment

I think i might have depression, is there any way I can get tested or get help

Whats on your mind?

Remember your submissions are anonymous.

I only like people romantically when they don't like me back. IDK what to do.....

Thanks for this great, not so uncommon question - It’s great that you’ve noticed this pattern, it shows a great level of self-awareness. Here are some possible reasons this might be happening: The Thrill of the Chase: Liking someone who doesn’t like you can feel exciting or mysterious. Fear of Vulnerability: It can feel safer emotionally to avoid the risks of a mutual relationship. Self-Worth and Validation: You might subconsciously seek validation by “proving” your worth to someone who isn’t interested. To work through this, try reflecting on why mutual feelings might make you uncomfortable. Challenge any beliefs that relationships should be a “chase,” and remind yourself that healthy, mutual connections are about partnership, not proving yourself. Finally, give people who like you a chance—you deserve someone who values you just as much as you value them. Lots of love and luck, Aunty Hilda xoxox

This girls keeps following me and my friend. I don't want to be mean, but I've had enough. Please help.

Thanks for your question - It sounds like this situation is making you uncomfortable, and it’s okay to feel that way. Here’s how you might try to handle it without being mean: Try talking to her in a calm and kind way. For example, you could say, “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been spending a lot of time around us. Sometimes we just want some space to hang out as a pair. I hope that’s okay.” This sets a boundary without being hurtful. If it feels right, you could invite her to join you and your friend once in a while. She might just be looking for connection, and including her sometimes could help her feel less left out. If talking doesn’t change things, try creating a bit of distance. For example, sit somewhere else at lunch or take a different route between classes. This can send the message without being confrontational. If she still doesn’t respect your boundaries, it’s okay to talk to a trusted adult at school for advice. They can help you navigate this without it turning into a bigger problem. Remember, you can be kind and respectful while standing up for what you need. Setting boundaries is not mean—it’s healthy. Best of luck, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Do guys ever date girls with extra body fat? I am a bit chubby but I do heaps of sports but can't seem to shake it. Others comment on it in a negative way - a lot. Guys seem to be interested over message, but never in person, so I'm just wondering if that is what the problem is?

Thanks for reaching out with this question - First of all, I’m really sorry people have made negative comments about your body. That’s unfair and hurtful, and it says more about them than it does about you. Your body doesn’t define your worth, and there’s no one "right" way to look to be deserving of respect or love. To answer your question: yes, absolutely, guys date girls with all different body types, including those with extra body fat. Attraction is about so much more than size—personality, confidence, and connection play a huge role. It’s also worth thinking about the kind of people you want in your life. If someone judges you based solely on your body, they’re not someone worth your time or energy. You deserve to be around people who appreciate you for you—your talents, your humour, your kindness, and everything that makes you unique. As for guys seeming interested over messages but not in person, that could be about a lot of things. It might not even be about you—it could be about their own insecurities or fear of what others think. But that’s not something you can control, and it’s not your responsibility to change yourself for anyone. Focus on what makes you feel good—whether it’s sports, friends, or things you enjoy—and the right people will come into your life who see how amazing you are just as you are. best of luck to you and lots of love, Aunty HIlda xoxox

Help! I'm into this girls and I feel like the way she looks at me is special - but then I see her looking at other people the same way! She seems to like hugs from me (even though she says she's not into hugs). Do you think she might feel a little bit the same and how do I test this??

Thanks for a great question. It sounds like you’ve picked up on some mixed signals, which can definitely be confusing! The way she looks at you or enjoys your hugs (even if she’s “not into hugs”) could mean she feels a connection—but it’s not a guarantee. People can sometimes behave warmly without it being romantic. At the same time, her actions show she values your presence, which is a good sign! Maybe pay her a casual compliment, like “I really like hanging out with you,” or “You’re fun to be around.” See how she responds—does she smile or seem to enjoy hearing it? Positive feedback is a good sign. Watch how she interacts with others. If her hugs or looks toward you seem different from how she treats others, it might suggest she feels something more.... If possible, try spending time with her one-on-one. It can give you both a chance to connect without distractions and see if there’s something deeper. And maybe when the moment feels right, you could say something like, “I really like spending time with you. Do you think there’s something more between us?” It takes courage, but it’s the clearest way to find out how she feels. If it turns out she doesn’t feel the same, it’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, and you’ll learn and grow from the experience. But if she does feel something, taking this step could bring you closer. Good luck! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I've been spending a lot of time online and meeting people there, mostly guys. Over the last while they've asked me to send them nudes and now they are threatening me to do really inappropriate things with them on video calls or they'll leak my pictures. I don't know what to do. Please help

Thank you for reaching out with this really important safety question. I’m so sorry you’re going through this—it’s a really scary and overwhelming situation, but you don’t have to face it alone. Take a deep breath. This is not your fault. The people threatening you are trying to make you feel powerless, but there are steps you can take to regain control. No matter what they say or how much they pressure you, do not send more photos or do what they’re demanding. Giving them what they want will only make things worse, not better. It's important to talk to talk to someone you trust—a parent, school counsellor, or another adult who can help you. It might feel embarrassing, but they’re there to protect and support you. They can help you take action and keep you safe. Block the person on all platforms immediately. Most social media apps and websites have ways to report this kind of behaviour. If you’re not sure how, ask someone you trust or look up guides for the platform you’re using. This is serious and illegal. What they’re doing is called sextortion, and the police are there to help protect you. Reporting it might feel intimidating, but it’s an important step to stop them from hurting you or others. This situation can feel really heavy, and you deserve support. Talk to a counsellor or someone who can help you process your feelings and get through this. You don’t have to carry this alone. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

On my first day of school this year I fell in love with a boy on the bus. It was love at first sight. We live in the same area and we have chatted a little bit, but the conversation didn't develop beyond that. How can I open up a conversation with a 17 year old boy??

Thanks for a great question - That sounds like an exciting crush! Starting a conversation with someone you like can feel nerve-wracking, but it doesn’t have to be complicated. Being authentic is the best way to make a real connection. You don’t need a perfect line—just show genuine interest in him. Sometimes a simple “Hey, how’s it going?” is all you need to start a great conversation. If he seems a bit shy or doesn’t respond much at first, don’t get discouraged. Building a connection takes time, and even short chats can lead to longer conversations as he gets more comfortable. You’ve already got a great starting point by chatting a little and living in the same area. Trust yourself and take it one step at a time—he might just be waiting for you to make the first move! Best of luck! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

How do I know I'm in a one sided crush and how friendly can you be before someone realises you're into them?

Thanks for a great question! It' can be so rough not knowing if someone likes you... So - How to Tell if It’s One-Sided - Do They Show Interest? Do they start conversations with you, ask you questions, or seem genuinely curious about your life? If they only respond politely but don’t seem eager to keep the conversation going, it could mean their feelings aren’t the same. Pay attention to their body language. Are they looking at you when you’re talking, smiling a lot, or leaning in when you’re around? These can be signs they enjoy your company. If they seem distracted or uninterested, it might be more one-sided. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if they’re being kind and friendly just to you or if that’s how they are with everyone. If they act the same way around other people, their friendliness might not mean romantic interest. If they’re giving you mixed signals—like being super nice one moment but distant the next—it might mean they’re unsure about their feelings. This doesn’t mean they’re not interested, but it can be confusing to navigate. f you’re worried about being too obvious, think about how much effort you’re putting in compared to them. If you’re always initiating conversations or making plans, try stepping back a little and see if they make an effort too. If it feels like your crush isn’t reciprocating, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you—sometimes feelings just don’t match up. Focus on being yourself, and remember that the right connection will happen when it’s mutual. You’re doing a great job being thoughtful about your feelings and how you interact. Crushes can be tricky, but they’re also a chance to learn more about what you want in a relationship. Best of luck to you! LOts of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My question is referring to a previous question about girls 'not respecting boundaries'. (See Q further down) Is the purpose of this website not to create less taboo around sex and relationships? If there are people who look down on other girls and judge them for opening up about their experiences, is that not defeating the purpose of Aunty Hilda?If talking and sharing is our power, then why are there girls who find it impure and repulsive to talk about these subjects and feel the need to repress our right to speak on these matters all over again?

Thank you for a fantastic and well thought out question. I couldn't agree with you more - we need to be having conversations, talking and sharing and removing the taboo about aspects of femininity and sexuality. I think the last person was talking about the way that the talking was taking place - private details being shouted across the lunchroom etc. My thought here is that does the other person being talked about in public know about it and have they given consent for private and intimate things to be shared? As with any topic, we need to be mindful of how we make others feel and ensure that we are respectful of everyone being spoken about and those who can hear. I love your passionate response and the way that you believe in our right for sexual freedom - whatever that might look like. For some people that means they don't want anything to do with sex, which is also a right to their sexual freedom in this case. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Love it! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I'm finding it really hard. I've heard so many stories from friends in my year where they have 'sex' but don't remember anything. They were very drunk, passed out, sometimes pressured, coerced, forced and worse. But it's the most normalised thing ever. I try to tell them that it's not right but then everyone says it's normal, but I know it's not. I try to be an active bystander and step in from time to time, but my friends tell me I'm being overkill. What do I do??

Thank you for your question about a really challenging topic. Sex and relationships can be really difficult - not only because they can be tricky to navigate, but because the things that are expected of us, or the ways we think we should be behaving are often not the things we feel comfortable with. The things you describe are not ok - having sex without being able to consent, means that someone has taken advantage of a persons vulnerability and has therefore committed an offence (in legal terms). In real life, it means that people can feel really gross, violated, confused, used and humiliated. I wonder who benefits from these things being 'normal'? When things are normalised, then the people who complain are often seen as the ones with the problem. THAT is a big problem! I think it's really important for the young women to be able to talk about how they feel about what happened in a safe way - if they say it wasn't ok, are they afraid someone will blame them for being drunk/a slut/ asking for it etc.... And what will the boys say if she complains about what happened to her?? These issues are serious and wrong and you are right to be concerned. Sex and consent is a lot more than just being "into it". Women consent to sex for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with actually wanting to have sex - like social pressure, wanting to be liked by the boy, not wanting to be seen as a 'prude' starting something and getting pressure to continue..... We need to support each other to be able to say how we really feel and not pretend that we are ok with sexual assault being normal. We can do so much better than this. Thank you for your question and keep having the conversations. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Why does the person I like be really receptive (especially when we are on our own) and sometimes shuts everyone out and is really unreceptive. Do you think they like me or not? I'm sick of being hot, cold, maybe....

Hi and thanks for your question. This is such a horrible feeling - being in the dark about how someone feels about you, especially when you really like them. There have been a lot of questions about boys (you haven't mentioned if this person is boy/girl/non-binary, so I'm making a general statement here about other questions) - but it's often said how boys are really nice with a girl and then turn into someone else when they're with their mates. Which version of them is true? and which version of them can you trust? In your case, it feels like you're being dragged around by someone else's whims and you don't know where you stand. That's a horrible place to be. The hard but necessary thing here is to have a straight up conversation. Find out for sure so you can get on with your life, either with, or without them as a special love interest. All the very best. You deserve it. Lots of love to you, xoxoxox

I feel like I'm settling for my boyfriend because I can't be with the person I really love, but I don't want to feel like I'm using him. What should I do?

Hey - ouch that sounds really hard. Not being able to be with the one you truly want to be with is a horrible and challenging feeling. It doesn't mean that you can't also have really strong feelings for the person you are with, but it sounds like that's not really the case? Being with someone to fill a gap for someone else isn't doing either of you any favours. What might it be like to be single and figure out some more about yourself in the mean time? You don't owe anyone anything - but you do owe it to yourself to be honest with yourself, and give yourself the best chance at getting to know who you are without someone who isn't the right person confusing the situation. And for your boyfriend to be able to find the right person for him, rather than being in something that isn't what he thinks it is. Being alone can seem scary or sometimes there's a lot of pressure to be in a relationship. Do what's right for you. All the best and lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda, xoxox

I might be pregnant and my boyfriend thinks it's his, but I cheated on him multiple times. How do I have that conversation with him?

Hi there, that sounds like a tricky situation to be in. I hope you are getting the support you need around the possible pregnancy - Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa - Level 7/10 George Street, Central Dunedin, Dunedin (ph)07 810 6610 are a great place to go for free advice and consultations. Having open and honest conversations can be difficult, but it's always a good idea. Your boyfriend deserves to know that he is not in an exclusive relationship, and you deserve to be able to do what is right for you without feeling guilty and stuck. Talking with your boyfriend about what it is that you both want and need from the relationship might help you decide to change the parameters of your partnership, or decide to move on. Either way, this is a great time to have a real conversation together. Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

What do i do if my boyfriend tried to give me oral sex (go down on me, eat me out), but I got scared and stopped him?

Hi there and thanks for your great question! heterosexual oral sex is a very interesting thing when we compare it between guys and gals. You might have noticed or heard, that guys want it and talk about it and girls often think that is something they should give or do. Guys in general are really familiar and comfortable with their penis - they can see it, (and see each others) they have easy access to it and hold it often - like going for a pee as well as masturbating. Girls on the other hand generally have a very different relationship with their genitals. We can't see them and we don't have to touch them for anything (like peeing). Girls are often worried about "what it's like down there" and feel embarrassed - does it smell funny, does it look weird? And because we can't see what other girls' labia and and clitoris and vagina opening look like (when we're getting change together etc you can't see anything except the mons pubis (The fleshy mound in front of your pubic bone that grows pubic hair). So! That can make it really uncomfortable and anxiety inducing if a guy wants to put his face there! But here's the thing - every single one of us looks different down there, so that's not an issue. Our vaginas are self cleaning, which is pretty amazing, but showering regularly is important to wash away the general sweaty day to day situation. The clitoris is the female pleasure spot (The little fleshy pea-sized nub that sits under a fold of skin called the clitoral hood, just at the top of the vulva just above where the inner labia (the folds of skin) meet. This is a really important part of sexual pleasure for a female and the clitoros needs to stimulated, by fingers - or a tongue - in order for a woman to be able to achieve orgasm. (A small percentage of women only need penis in vagina stimulation, but this is rare, like about 10%). So my advice to you would be get to know your won body first - look in a mirror, notice how things feel and make friends with your own bits. If you feel comfortable with them, you won't need to feel worried about what someone else thinks. Best of luck! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

How do I lose feelings FAST? I'm into someone who is never going to be into me, so how do I stop liking them?

Thank you for a great question - I'm really sorry you are experiencing this. It's a very normal, but very painful thing to go through. THere are a few things you can do to help yourself in this situation - 1. Limit the contact you have with this person, either irl or oonline, try and avoid seeing them. Keep focussed with other things - hobbies and activities that matter to you and remind you of who you are. You're already doing great because you have acknowledged that the feelings won't be coming back your way. It's painful but an important part of protecting yourself and being able to move on. Talking with friends or journalling your thoughts can help your process what you're going though and help you ove on. Thinking about what is possible for you and what you can do and have (rather than what you can't) is also a mental shift that can help you let go. And finally, be kind to yourself, priorotise your wellbeing and give yourself care and time. It'll happen, just not overnight. Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

Whenever I think about this person not liking me or liking me back, or someone else liking them, I feel like I'm going to vomit. Am I sick?

Thank you for your great question. I'm so sorry you are going through this - It's very common to feel big emotions and a really horrible feeling. Please know you are not sick and it will pass. It sounds like there are lots of things going on for you and you might want to reflect on what they are - are you afraid of rejection or worried about judgement and what might this intense anxiety mean? Pausing and thinking about whether this is coming from internal expectations or past experiences of rejection might be helpful. Finding ways to ground and calm yourself, like deep breathing and grounding yourself in the present moment could all be helpful ways to manage. Reaching out to someone to talk to about this might also be a good idea. Take care, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I feel really uncomfortable by the way my "friends" are treating me. They make me cry at school sometimes and I don't feel safe going to school. I don't know what to do.

Thank you for your question. I'm really sorry to hear that your friends are treating you this way. Sadly this can be a common experience for some girls, but it is never ok. Is there anyone else in the group that you might be able to talk to about how you are feeling? Maybe one of the group is someone you can confide in? Otherwise, it's a really good idea to seek out an adult, like the counsellor or a trusted teacher and talk about this more. Telling them doesn't mean they will do anything without you saying it's ok first. Remember that there are other people who you could be friends with, without needing to stay with people who treat you badly. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I'm feeling really uncomfortable about how some girls are behaving in the lunchroom, talking about private relationship things, comparing private details and singling out girls and making fun of things they have said. Lots of them are underage too. What can be done about this?

Thanks for your question, it sounds like some people have forgotten to be respectful of their partners, others and their surroundings. It sounds like you are feeling really uncomfortable with this, which is a valid thing to be feeling. It would be a good idea to talk about this in confidence with your dean, or with your school counsellor, so that something can be done in a more general sense. Everyone needs to understand there are boundaries about how people are spoken about and relationship details should be private, in order to respect them when they are not there. Best of luck discussing this with someone else who can help. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

How do I break up with a long distance partner of years?

Hello, and thanks for asking a question about a big decision and feeling. Breaking up is never easy, and long distance doesn't necessarily make it any easier. Make sure you try and do it face to face, or on video call. Texting is not really ok.... Respect, clarity and empathy are important for both of you, so be clear about your thoughts and feelings, and kind in the delivery. Because long distance relationships are all about communication, be prepared for your partner to have an emotional reaction, especially if they didn't see this coming. Thinking about how to manage the post break up communication and having clear boundaries around how you want to manage this is a good thing to have thought through and then discuss to have some agreement. Best of luck to you, with lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

How can you tell if a friend is fake?

Hi, thanks for your question. Friendships can be complicated, but there are some signs a friend may be fake - They might show inconsistent support and only be there for you when it suits them. A healthy friendship is all about give and take, but a fake friend will take more than they give. They often don't show any interest in you or your experiences or feelings, and instead only talk about themselves or reach out to you when they need something. They might be jealous or put you down a lot, or gossip about you, and only be around when there's fun to be had. They might compete with you instead of work with you and if you've shared any vulnerabilities with them, they might share these with others and use them against you.... I hope this helps. LOts of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Why do I randomly start crying? I'll be reading something and then just burst into tears?? Most people say "oh you're just hormonal, but do I really want to be boiled down to just some chemicals in my brain?

Hi there, thanks for your great question. Sometimes crying can feel really annoying, especially when it seems inconvenient! It can make you feel fragile and embarrassed, but crying is really important for lots of reasons. Tears have a chemical in them that brings you back to balance. When we are angry, hysterically laughing, sad, frustrated, these are all reasons for us to start crying and every time it soothes us. Crying is a great way to release tension - some people learn to love how it recalibrates their emotional state. Love your tears! They are your friend :) Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Are there actually any guys out there like in books, or is that just fiction? I hope it's not....

Hey, that's such a good question. Hmmmm, I'm assuming you mean the gorgeous, attentive, romantic, kind, prince-like, smooth, perfect in every way guy?? Sadly there is no such thing as a perfect human and while there are definitely lovely people out there, everyone has their faults and the experiences and family impacts that complicate how they behave under pressure. It's normal to fantasise about the perfect partner. Best of luck! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My Mum is so protective sometimes. She doesn't like me hanging out at the mall with my friends and my curfew is way earlier than most people. What should I do?

Hi thanks for your great question. I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling so confined and missing out on doing things with your friends. It sounds like your Mum maybe doesn't know who this is making you feel, or maybe there is a reason for her to be worried? If you haven't tried talking to your Mum about this, then now would be a really great time to sit down and share your thoughts. Best of luck to you with this, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

How do I know if someone likes me? Like sure fire ways- are they more smily when I'm around and laugh lots? I know your other posts mention these things, but I just DON"T KNOW!

Thanks for your great question. It's really hard when we doubt ourselves and overthink the evidence! Here are a few pointers: An open posture, relaxed and interested. Leaning in, showing engagement. Touching, light casual touching on the shoulder, arm or back. Prolonged eye contact, compliments, active listening, playful teasing, nervousness, fidgeting and seeking opportunities to spend time with you. Acts of kindness and protectiveness. I hope this helps!! Best of luck, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

My boyfriend wants our relationship to be polyamorous, he keeps hinting that we should bring in another person and for some reason won't stop talking about my ex boyfriend. I don't want to break up with him, but I'm starting to think he wants a relationship with my ex boyfriend. What should I do?

Thank you for your question. It sounds like this is a confusing and challenging situation for you. My first question is are you happy opening up your relationship at all? Is that something you want to do? Secondly, your ex boyfriend is probably an ex for a reason. It might be a really good idea to have an open and honest conversation with him about what it is he is really wanting. This needs some communication for sure. Best of luck, love Aunty Hilda xoxox

My Dad is in a new relationship and every night when I stay at their house I hear them having sex in the room next door and it's really loud! It makes me feel really uncomfortable  but I don't want to have that awkward conversation with my Dad.....

Thank you for reaching out with this problem you're having. It is not a comfortable experience listening to your parents/a parent having sex. They are doing something positive in their relationship, however, you are allowed to feel comfortable in your bedroom too. Getting some change to happen here is going to require some bravery from you! Maybe you could hint at the fact that you're not sleeping well and that you are often awake at their place... Or maybe you could send Dad a text and let him know that it's an awkward conversation you don't want to have, but you'd like him to know. If they don't know, they won't change, so you'll need to take a deep breath and have a courageous conversation!! Best of luck to you, love Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I'm confused by some people wanting to use pronouns of Zi and Zir. What does that mean?

Hi, thanks for your great question :) Zi (or Ze) and Zir are gender neutral pronouns, that people who are not comfortable using traditional binary pronouns like he/him and she/her might choose to use. They don't relate to specific gender, which makes it more inclusive for people who identify as genderqueer, nonbinary or outside of the traditional male and female gender spectrum. For example, instead of saying "She went to the shop", you would say "Zi went to the shop". or instead of "I saw him yesterday", you'd say "I saw zir yesterday". It's important to use the pronouns a person tells you they prefer, to show respect for their identity. I hope that helps to answer your question. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I compare my self harm to other peoples and sometimes feel like I'm not valid compared to people with worse scars than me. How do I stop feeling like I'm not bad enough to be valid?

Hello, thank you for reaching out with this question. It sounds like you are and have been really struggling with how you are feeling. I'm really sorry to hear that things feel so hard for you sometimes. Reaching out in this way really shows that a part of you wants to get help and improve how you are managing and feeling. I wonder what the self harm represents for you and how you might be able to look at some other ways to find validation for your pain? Your emotional hurt is looking for care and kindness, is there a way that you can reach out and find some of that and look at other ways to dampen your distress rather than through self harm? Maybe if you could email Marcelle and find a time to meet, she could work alongside you to help you find some other solutions and strategies. You are completely valid. You are worthy and loveable and a wonderful human. Sending lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My friend who I started hanging out with at the start of the year is now hanging out with another girl and now she doesn't even say hi or bye to me. What should I do?

Hi, thank you for your question. I'm really sorry to hear your friend is treating you this way. It feels completely awful to be excluded and ignored, especially when there's no apparent reason. I wonder if you want to be friends with someone who treats you this badly, or if you think trying to find a solution to the problem is worth your effort? Is she someone whom you think is a really special person and who has made your life better because of the friendship you had? Or might it be worth thinking about finding people who show you the respect and kindness that you deserve in a friendship? If you think the friendship is worth fighting for, then I would encourage you to talk with her and explain how this is making you feel. There might be something that can be sorted out if you discuss this with her. At the end of the day, a good question to ask yourself is 'is this how I want to be treated by a friend and is this an example of what a good friend would do'? Best of luck to you and lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Am I in the wrong for wanting to break up with my boyfriend who I have been together with for two years? We know each others deepest secrets and are sexually active, but recently he's not been interested. I got suspicious and went through his phone ahnd found heaps of other girls numbers and nudes. I confronted him and now he's begging me to forgive him and making me feel bad for wanting to break up. Some of my friends are saying to forgive him and that it's normal for guys to do this, but I don't feel comfortable staying with him if this is what he's doing.

What an awful thing to experience. You have been in a trusting relationship for two years and you have the right to assume that you will be treated with respect, integrity, dignity and honesty. It is disappointing to hear that some of your friends are suggesting that this behaviour is both normal and ok. Boys are capable of much better than that and a good young man would not be doing this. He knows he did wrong because he's asking for forgiveness - I wonder if he's upset that he got caught and if you hadn't looked on his phone, he would still be doing this. You clearly respect yourself and have a good idea about the kind of relationship you want and deserve. Trust your gut and know that we validate how you are feeling - you are definitely not in the wrong! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I was really close to a girl and now I'm close with another girl. The first one is being really mean to my new friend and is clearly excluding her on purpose. When she says something she shuts her down and doesn't invite her anywhere to do stuff with our friends. What should I do?

I'm really sorry to hear that you are in a difficult situation with your friends. That is a hard place for you to be. If you haven't had a conversation with the mean friend, then maybe telling her how you're feeling might be a good idea. Alternatively, you could mention things in the moment, like when she doesn't invite her, you could say "And you can come to....." etc. Calling her out on being exclusive in the moments that they happen might be a good way to address this. best of luck with this and thank you for being a thoughtful and kind friend. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I'm worried about my peers and year group and the decline of the mental health of the group. Eating issues, self harm and suicidal thinking seem to be more common. I'm worried about the wellbeing of my peers. What can be done and what can I do?

Thank you so much for noticing your peers and caring about their wellbeing. It must be a very worrying thing for you to notice and definitely a feeling of helplessness. This is big issue that needs some more time and attention. If you were able to contact Marcelle, then there could be some collaboration and support structures etc put in place. It would be good to talk with the year group and find out more about what they think the issues are and what solutions they might have themselves. If you could reach out with some more information, then we could do something more proactive. For you as a friend, then being clear with your friends about your concerns is important, but also making sure that you look after yourself and don't take on everyones problems and concerns. Take care, lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I have a group of friends and they often hang out as a big group without me. I'm often not allowed to go but I can't help feel sad they have stopped asking me. I sit home alone and see their stories with all the photos of them out without me. I'm not an introvert and want to be included. I don't know what to do.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. It's a truly awful feeling being left out like that. You must feel very alone at times. Maybe your friends assume you are going to say no - but maybe you could tell them how you are feeling and also find some ways to organise a get together that works for your parents and allows you to be included. Have you explained to your parents how this is impacting you? Maybe you can negotiate some things with them? Let your friends know that you're trying to be more involved so they understand your situation a bit more. best of luck to you - it's a hard spot to be in. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I like someone but I can't tell if I actually like someone or if I'm just bored.

Thanks for your great question. This is a very common feeling for a lot of people - especially since a lot of the time people are meeting and talking on line. This makes it hard because you don't know if the connection is genuine or you're trying to fill in time! If you are wondering if you're bored - you probably are.... when someone really gets your attention, you usually know straight away, because it feels different. Taking time to do something off line can be really beneficial in helping with boredom and preventing getting into something you don't really want to be in. It's great you are wondering... keep checking in with yourself and notice how you're feeling. Best of luck to you xxx lots of love Aunty Hilda

I don't think my friends like me - what should I do?

I'm so sorry to hear you are experiencing this. This is such an awful feeling to have. I wonder if there is someone in your friend group that you feel comfortable to talk to about this? There might be something that's happened, or maybe you are reading into something that isn't about you.Sometimes when we are not feeling good, we can assume things that aren't really true. It's really important to make sure that you stay included by including yourself. Don't let the worry contribute more, by making yourself invisible. Be careful of the story you are telling yourself. Check for facts and be kind to youself xx lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Me and boyfriend have been having unprotected sex because he doesn't like the feel of condoms and I don't want to take the pill incase it causes negative side effects. What should I do?

Hi there, great question! Firstly, it's important that you feel comfortable about the situation - would you prefer it if your boyfriend used a condom? That can be a non negotiable request. It's not really fair that you are putting yourself at risk (of pregnancy and infection) so that he can maximise his pleasure. There are many condoms that are super thin and don't interfere with the positive sexual experience. If you do decide to go on the pill, there are some things to consider, however, there are plenty of benefits too. Check out this website for some more info https://sexualwellbeing.org.nz/srv/getting-contraception/. best of luck! Aunty hilda xoxoxox

 I was talking to my boyfriend about when we have sex and how we will make it good. I talked to him about the clitoris and how that's an important place for female pleasure but he had never heard of it and neither had any of his friends. How am I supposed to have that conversation?

Thanks for this great question - it's very disappointing to hear that he and his friends don't know about such an important part of the female body. It's so great to hear that you are both discussing what you will do and where your boundaries are and what you do and don't feel comfortable with. That is awesome! For the clitoris conversation, he will have to understand, with your help, that the clitoris needs seperate attention and that unlike the movies, penis in vagina intercourse does not usually make sufficient contact with the clitoris. There are some good diagrams to at least show him where it is - check out the one on here in the body page. Good on you for having this great conversation! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I found out that my ex boyfriend from a few months ago took photos of us while we were having sex, without me knowing. He then shared those with his mates - i feel so angry and betrayed. I'm not sure what to do with my feelings

We are so very sorry to hear this terrible injustice has happened to you. This crossed all the boundaries of a trusting relationship. Please be kind to yourself about having been in the relationship in the first place - I'm sure there were many good things about him that you liked. Unfortunately we have heard about this kind of thing a number of times, you are not alone with this. Nothing you did brought this on - he is fully responsible for this wrongdoing. There are a number of people you can talk to about this - the police being one of them. Please talk to someone and get the support you need. You have every right to feel angry and betrayed, but please be gentle with yourself. Keep in touch, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My boyfriends friends are so rude about other girls. They call them disgusting names and make fun about their bodies and what they think they'd like to do with them sexually. It makes me feel sick. My boyfriend isn't like that when we are alone. So who is he really? The guy mates version or the version with me? I'm so confused.... and disappointed.

I'm so sorry to hear that your boyfriend is letting you down in this way. It must be very confusing to know what part of his personality you can trust. I wonder if you have discussed this with him already? Often boys feel they need to perform in front of their mates and be the kind of 'man' they think they are supposed to be. Maybe if you talk to your boyfriend about how this is making you feel and encourage him to think about what he is actually saying, or agreeing with. He might see how he is contributing to gendered harm and sexism in general. If he cares about you, then he will not want you to feel like this. Best of luck, we are here for you. Love Aunty Hilda xoxox

My friend seems to always make fun of me and be rude to me in front of others. She says it's just her humour but she doesn't do it with other people....I've told her how it makes me feel, but we're still friends.... What should I do?

I'm sorry to hear that you are in this situation with your friend being mean to you. This is a really horrible feeling when someone you should be able to fully trust, is causing you pain. Unfortunately this is not an uncommon experience. When people do this it is often about them exerting power over someone - and while they know what they are doing, they possibly haven't taken the time to reflect on themselves or the consequences of their behaviour. Normally we would say to talk to your friend about this, but since you already have, it is disappointing that this hasn't changed. However, another conversation about this would be a good idea, especially since it would seem there has been a good friendship in the past. Tell her how you're feeling and how this is affecting your relationship. Best of luck, love Aunty Hilda xoxox

I realised after the Aunty Hilda assembly this week, that I am complying rather than consenting when I'm with my boyfriend. I have told him that just because we have done this thing once, doesn't mean I want to do it every time. He did say that now he is my boyfriend he should be allowed to do this. I don't know what the next steps are.....

We are so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. You should not be dealing with this. Since you have already spoken to him about this, it is of concern that he is choosing not to respect your boundaries. We are particularly concerned that he said he should be able to do this because he's your boyfriend. This is a serious red flag! That is essentially him saying that your body belongs to him. Nothing about that is ok. Please look after yourself in this. He likes you enough to want to have sex with you - but he doesn't care about or respect you enough to wait, or respect your boundaries. Best of luck with this - you deserve a lot better love Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I broke up with my ex six months ago, and I still love them, but they have moved on. What do I do?

Dealing with a break up is hard, but especially hard when you still have strong feelings for the person. It's normal to have a huge range of emotions because you are dealing with the loss of a special relationship and when we have loss, we have grief. Grief is painful and confusing and is different for everyone. But it's really important to know that you are not alone with these feelings - right now there are millions of people experiencing similar things. Maybe connect with them in your mind and feel supported by them too. For you now, it's about being really kind to yourself. Allowing yourself to move through all the emotions that come with this experience. Hold onto the things from that relationship which were helpful, see it as a wonderful contribution to the person you are and the woman you are becoming. These hurts and experiences help us be better, wiser and ultimately human. Love yourself and love your grief, it's a sign of the wonderful person you are. Hugs and love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My friend thinks she's better than us now that she's done stuff with a guy, but she was drunk, so I'm not sure it counts. What do I do, because I want to stay friends.

Thank you for your great question! It can be really difficult when our friends find a new exciting thing that they then talk about a lot. Especially if they make it seem like they are better than us somehow. You obviously want to stay friends with her which means you need to have a brave conversation about how you're feeling. You could start it with "I'm feeling a little bit undervalued in our friendship at the moment. I'm excited for you about your new boy experiences, but it's making me feel like I'm not as good as you because I haven't done those things"....... or something like that...Conversations are your best tool! Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

One of our friends changes her voice into a really high pitched childish voice when she's around adults. What's going on?

Thanks for this interesting question. It is actually quite a common thing (but as you have alluded to, can be quite annoying at times) and is often used in interactions with authority figures. This behavior may serve to reduce perceived threats or seek sympathy or leniency by appearing less threatening and more submissive. When we do this infront of adults, then we are potentially trying to win their favour and get our own way... Your friend obviously feels like she needs to appeal to their kindness and avoid an angry or negative response. It's very common, but understandably can be an annoying thing to be around at times! It's also more common amongst women and girls, trying to make themselves seem childish, when as women, we should really be standing strong in our bodies, sharing our opinions and thoughts from a place of equity and validity. There should be no reason to make ourselves less than.....Lots of luck to you with being able to continue these conversations with your friend :) Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My friends often forget I'm in the same class as them and that I have been to the same events WITH them. I'm not quiet or reserved, so I don't know why this is happening. How can I make myself more memorable?

Thanks for your question. We are so sorry that you are having this experience. We really want you to know that there is nothing MORE that is needed from you in order to be memorable. You are enough and you are valued. The question here, is are these the right people for you? You should feel valued and embraced and accepted and welcomed and a full part of the group - this is what good friends and your actual "people" will make you feel. Find your people and feel good about the amazing person you already are!!!! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I'm the only gay person in my friendgroup and now they are all talking about the boys they like or are with. I feel awkward talking about girls I like and some of them don't quite know what to say. Should my love life be something I keep to LGBTQIA+ groups or am I able to talk about girls in all-girl friend groups too?

Thank you for your really important question. You are absolutely allowed to talk about your love interests and crushes. They are no different to what your friends are also discussing. While this may feel a little uncomfortable, it would be a great idea to talk about how you are feeling with your friends. let them know what it's like for you and together you can come up with a way that makes everyone feel included and respected and welcome. You have definitely got nothing to hide from anyone. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

What is scissoring?

Thanks for your question. Scissoring is a colloquial term for a sexual position where two people with vulvas rub their genitals together and this is usually by positioning their legs like scissors. This can be a pleasurable thing to do, but like everything, is different for different people and should be part of a consensual, negotiated conversation, where you respect each others boundaries. Best of luck, and lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

How do I become friends with an international student?

What a great question! So many international students will be so pleased to see it! Like with anyone we don't know very well, we have to make a special effort to get to know them better. Ask them to have lunch with you, or go to town after school, or invite them to do a fun activity with you in the weekend. It means we have to be brave sometimes and put ourselves out there, but when we do, people are so grateful and pleased that we have taken the time. You sound like a very thoughtful, kind and inclusive person. Getting to know someone from another culture is such a great experience. Good luck with your new friendship :) Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

How much time is too much time for self-pleasuring/masturbating?

Thanks for your great question. There is no amount that is too much, as it varies from person to person. Masturbation is a normal and healthy part of human sexuality and as long as it's not causing physical or emotional distress or interfering with your daily life, then there is no problem. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I want to have sex but I'm too young and it's illegal and wrong, but I feel ready and lots of people my age have done it. What's your advice?

Thank you for your really important question. Making decisions for ourselves can be so difficult when we see what other people around us are doing - and all of those people come from a different place, with different experiences and views of the world. Having a sexual relationship with someone is a big thing to consider. Sex involves a lot of emotion and sometimes, if you are not in a relationship, it can feel like you have been used. Having sex is not a race, so make sure you have given it plenty of thought - especially what it is you feel comfortable to do. There's no rush to 'get it out of the way'. Get to know your own body and have a think about why you want to have sex now. There's nothing wrong with wanting to - just make sure you have thought through what is right for you. Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

A lot of guys talk about anal sex, but me and my friends think this is an awful idea - what are we supposed to think or do??

Thank you so much for your really important question. Anal sex gets a lot of attention in pornography and this has made this idea 'normal' for many young men. Like anything to do with sex, no one should ever make you feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do. The issue with anal sex, is that it is often very uncomfortable and painful for women. That part of a womans body is actually really different to a mans. The skin in a womans anus is much thinner and more prone to damage and unlike men who have a prostate, which makes anal sex pleasurable, women do not. Anal sex has become a common request in heterosexual relationships, by young men who think (because of pornography) that it is what should be done. Pornography isn't real and anal sex is definitely not a requirement! It certainly isn't focussing on what feels good for a woman. Always talk to your partner about what you feel comfortable with. If you're being pressured to do something you don't want to do - they are not the one for you! Best of luck and lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I think one of my friends is depressed - How can I help her?

Thank you for being a caring friend. It can be really worrying for us to see a friend not acting themselves, looking sad, or being down. It can be really helpful to let them know you can see that they aren't themselves - often people feel alone when they are down or depressed, like no one notices. So to say "hey are you ok, I've noticed you haven't been yourself lately and I'd like to help" can be a great way to start. You could encourage them to see the counsellor - this is a great idea , because then you know that they are getting the help they need and you can be their friend and do the fun things that friends should do. It's also really important to look after yourself at this time - are you ok managing your worry about your friend? If you need some support for yourself, then make sure you reach out to the counsellor or someone you trust. Take care, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

My friend is amazing but she always acts so mean and tries to show off around  boys. It feels like she's trying to embarrass me every time a boy is around. What should I do?

Thank you for reaching out about this. Sadly this can be a common issue, where friendships can be competitive and rather than uplifting each other, one or both people try and diminish or put down the other. This would be a great time for a brave and honest conversation - face to face and heart to heart. It's important to express how you are feeling and this could really enhance your friendship. Not talking about this could be detrimental to your great relationship. All the best with this!! You deserve your friends respect too. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I like one of my teachers. He gives me butterflies every time he walks past me. I have never felt this way before with anyone. Is this normal? I know it's wrong but the feelings are getting stronger. Should I pursue it?

It's really normal to grow feelings for people you spend a lot of time with. People in authority are often people we look up to, because they may be attractive or wise and kind. BUT this is definitely not something you should pursue. Nothing about this will be good. You will only feel dissapointed and rejected and any kind of questionable conduct from a teacher in that regard means they lose their job and their teacher registration. You will definitely find a young man at some stage who you can have an appropriate and real reciprocal relationship with. It's fine and normal to have a crush - but anything else is totally out of the question. Best of luck moving on from this :) Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I have two friends who seem really into each other - lots of intense eye contact and flirting and blushing and spending time together with inside jokes etc. But it's annoying because neither of them are doing anything about it and it's been going on for ages! The rest of the friend group has decided we are going to wait a few months and then start intervening more - are we doing the right thing?

Thank you for your question. It sounds like it's difficult to watch them when the obvious signals are there for everyone to see, but no one is naming it. I do wonder if this is something that is between them and shouldn't be cause for intervention from the group. If this is bothering you, then maybe talk to them about how it's maing you feel - that their "special" friendship maybe makes some of you feel excluded? And that they have your blessing as a whole group to be real about their feelings and get on with things. (Not that your permission is something they need - but maybe they are not acting on things because they are worried about what you'll all think??) Best of luck with this - sometimes people need time to work things out for themselves and as always, a brave and kind conversation goes a long way. Best of luck to you, Love Aunty Hilda xoxox

Sometime in the last two months my partner and I have gone from talking like partners to feeling like we are acquaintances. We don't talk for more than two minutes and we have no idea what's happening in each others lives. I feel guilty for maybe holding them back from living their life  - Our messages look normal at a glance, but they message me first and the messages fall away really quickly. Is it all my fault?

Thanks for reaching out. This sounds hard because you have had a really good relationship and you're now grieving because you feel like it may be coming to an end...? This is a time to be really brave and have a courageous conversation about how you're both feeling and what is coming up next. Sometimes this can mean a friendship can continue, but communication about this is key. You have nothing to feel bad about - this is your relationship and you are doing what feels right for you. Best of luck to you xoxox Aunty Hilda

I may, or may not have a crush on someone who is aromantic

Thank you for question about your tricky situation. Aromantic is when a person does not experience romantic feelings for others, this can make it difficult when someone is attracted to them - like you - it's important to respect their boundaries and recognise for yourself that this is not something that is going to go anywhere other than friendship. Best of luck, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

How do I become better friends with a good friend whose personality is very different to mine?

This is a really great question. We can be friends with all types of people, but often it can take a bit longer to become friends with someone a bit different to us because of our interests or ways of communicating may not be the same. Since you are already good friends, I would suggest asking them to hang out more, do more activities together and this will naturally strengthen your bond. Spending time together talking and doing something fun, is always the very best way to deepen a friendship. Since you are already friends, this shouldn't be too hard. Good luck! It's great having friends who bring different perspectives and ways of being. All the best! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I told a guy I didn't want to have sex with him. Now he's saying he's going to tell everyone I had sex with him and his friend if I don't say yes. I don't know what to do. Everyone likes him and he's got heaps of mates. I feel like I've got no options that work for me. Please help.

Thank you for your question. We are so very sorry to hear that you are in this awful situation. What he is doing is entirely wrong, immature, manipulative and he is actually blackmailing you. You have a few options that we can think of - tell him to get a life and walk away. Deal with the rumours, they'll pass soon enough - especially if enough people know they are not true. We know this is a really scary and horrible thought though. You could seek help from adults who could intervene - maybe your friends could help with this too? Maybe you could take control of this whole situation - tell everyone what the rumour is and take the wind out of it yourself. Let them all know what he was going to do. he sounds like a truly awful person - Please don't ever do anything you don't want to do. Coercion is extremely uncool!!!!! Best of luck to you - and lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I was talking to a boy for a few months and I decided I didn't need that in my life at the moment and called it quits. Then he told me he still liked his ex. His mates told me they thought he still liked me but I just feel used. We spent so much time at each others places

Thanks for your question - that's a horrible place to be in for you. It sounds like the "I don't want to do this anymore" from you, really affected his ego... saying he still liked his ex is a great way to hurt you back. It's totally fair that you might feel used. That's not how you treat someone you supposedly care about. You have the right to choose what you want for yourself no matter what he says! Chin up girlfriend! Kia Kaha xoxox

What can I do to help my friend if I see that they have been hurting themselves?

Thank you for being a good friend. This is a really tough spot for you to be in. I would recommend telling your friend that you have seen the self harm and that you are worried about how they are. It's important to make sure they know your friendship hasn't changed and you don't view them any differently. You could also encourage them to seek help - especially if you think this is a recurring problem. This is not your problem to fix, but you can be a very positive influence via your support. Good luck - sometime people need help to ask for help. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

What do you do when you know your friend's boyfriend is bad for them but they don't listen. I do respect her but I don't know what to do because I don't want her to get hurt

Thank you for being a good friend. It can be really difficult watching a situation that you feel is harmful for someone you care about. Have you tried explaining to your friend why you are concerned? Rather than critiquing her boyfriend, talk about what you observe and how it makes you feel. It can be hard for people to listen when they feel like they are being criticised, - and even though you have a problem with him - she may still feel like you are criticising her choices and relationship abilities. Be there for her so that when/if it ends, you can be supportive rather than her feeling like she's lost you to "I told you so". Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

What does it feel like to have an orgasm and how do I know if I've had one?

An orgasm is a very intense feeling of pleasure, after a person is sexually aroused and (usually) the clitoris has been stimulated. It can vary for everyone, but can often include pelvic muscle contractions, heightened sensitivity and a feeling of euphoria and relaxation following an orgasm. It's not something that a person wouldn't notice. Good luck and thanks for asking! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I consented to something I didn't want to do and feel really awful about it. Do you have any advice?

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I'm sorry you are feeling like this - feeling regret can be a really hard thing to manage. It's really important to remember that what ever you did in the moment, was the best option you had at that time. We make choices for a variety of reasons and they are not always what we would choose if we could create the perfect scenario. Be kind to yourself about what you felt you had to do. Time is a great friend also. And please reach out to Marcelle if you'd like to talk about ways to manage this more. Lots of love to you always, Aunty hilda xoxox

I often feel like guys don't understand consent - what should I say to them? 

I'm pleased you asked this question. The ideas around consent should really just about two people who really want to do something together - from a place of being equal. This requires respect and trust and communication. If you respect someone, then you want them to feel comfortable and you respect their boundaries. Consent should be completely enthusiastically, excitedly a "YES LET"S!!! That's completely different to consenting to something you're not really sure about..... You might have consented, but did you really want to? Or did you like it? Consent doesn't mean it's necessarily good. Consent is NOT being talked into it or pressured - that's coercion. COnsent is required for each new activity, not just at the beginning. You can withdraw your consent at any time, you can change your mind! And consent can't be given if the person is drunk or drugged. Both people should feel safe, valued and respected and heard. It's just basic human rights to not do something to someone they don't want you to do.... Best of luck! Share your knowledge far and wide!! lots of love xoxox

Is it normal to crush on someone and hope they don't like you back because then it would be easier?

Thanks for your question! It's completely normal to think that.... many people much prefer to have the freedom to imagine all the wonderful things about what that person could be and not have it ruined by the reality. Sometimes it's fun to crush on someone from a distance... Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

How do you know you're in love?

That's such a great question! And a bit of a tricky one too.... there are three main things - Lust, Attraction and Attachment. Lust is the sexual attraction we have and the desire to have sex with that person. Attraction, is our desire to be close to them, to spend time with them and have the feelings of butterflies and warm fuzzy unicorn glitter! Then attachment is about the loving bond we create and the support and dependence we feel for each other. Sometimes we can mistake lust or attraction for real love - but it always starts somewhere smaller and grows. Best of luck with this!!! lots of love, Aunty Hilda. xoxox

I'm worried that even though I've been dating this guy (A) long distance for three years, I might be into this other guy (B), who I see almost daily. B is gay and not into girls, and I don't want my relationship with A to end. How do I stop being into B and get into A again?

Thanks for your question - that is a really tricky situation for you! It's really important to acknowledge how difficult a long distance realtionship can be, as well as validate that it's normal to be attracted to more than one person at the same time - regardless of whether they are gay/straight/single or in a relationship. Perhaps think about the kind of relationship you're having with B - try and limit your more intimate conversations and keep those for A. Make more time for A, online and facetime etc and create a clear boundary for yourself with B. Best of luck - it's hard!! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I was sexually assaulted last year by a guy who is friends with a lot of my friends. They don't know what happened and I am not comfortable with telling them but I feel really uncomfortable when they talk about him or hang out with him.

I am so very sorry to hear that happened to you. No one ever deserves or asks for that kind of treatment. It is not ok. We send you a big hug. Maybe you could tell one or two close, trusted friends so that if his name comes up in conversation they know to quickly change the subject. That way you also know that they know and you feel some support in that moment. Maybe you might feel comfortable to talk to one of the guy friends. It can be helpful to have some support from that space too - Just be careful about looking after yourself first! Also, you could talk to Marcelle because I know she can help with managing these things better. We send you lots of love and hugs, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My boyfriend said he'll break up with me if I don't have sex with him, but I'm not ready. What should I do?

Thank you for this dissapointingly common question :( You deserve so much better than that in a relationship. There is no sign of respect here! You have obviously got some great boundaries and understand what it is that you want - don't give up on those values for yourself. An honest conversation with him about how much you like him, but also about how important it is for you to feel heard and respected. If you feel comfortable, there are all sorts of other physically intimate and pleasurable things you can do together that do not involve intercourse. Maybe that is something to consider together. It's clear you know what it right for you - that is awesome!!! Never stray from doing what's best for you. Knowing yourself and what is right is so so great! We are proud of you xox All the best lots of love, xoxox

How do I tell my Mum that I'm self harming?

Thank you for your really important question. I'm really sorry to hear that you are struggling with some things at the moment. This must be a tricky situation for you to be dealing with. It's great that you are thinking about wanting to tell your Mum - Mums and Dads are often really great places for support. Maybe you could start with talking to your Mum about how you've been feeling and the feeling that you have been struggling with. Then you could explain that in order to try and manage, you have been doing xyz. You might then tell her that you would like some support with this and maybe you could also let her know that you have reached out for help. Could you maybe see the school counsellor about this? They will have some great starategies for how to manage overwhelming feelings in a more positive way. Good on you for reaching out - there are lots of people who understand how you are feeling. Take care, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Some of my friends are avoiding me - what should I do?

Thank you for your question. It's such an uncomfortable situation to be dealing with. If you haven't already, then asking them directly from a place of equality can be helpful. For example, "I've noticed our friendship has changed recently, is there something we can do about that? If the friendships are really important to you and you really value them, then having a brave conversation is good. But maybe, they are not the right people for you and finding friends who do want to spend time with you and treat you well, would be the best scenario. Best of luck with this. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I think I have depression, how can I find out and get help?

Thank you for your question. I'm sorry you are not feeling good at the moment. There are some things you can do to find out more about your situation - ie www.thelowdown.co.nz is a great website and has some good advice and questions. It would also be a good idea to reach out to Marcelle, or your GP, and see what strategies they can give you. Sometimes talking things through is a really great first step and can help shrink some of these feelings down into a more manageable size. All the best with reaching out, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

It seems every time I like a boy, he has a girlfriend. What should I do?

Thanks for your question. This is a really hard feeling to manage, but when someone is not available, because they are already with someone else, this is a very important boundary to respect and a fairly clear indicator that he is not the one. Even though it's hard when we like someone, it's important to value yourself in this too. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I tell my parents things, but then they hold it against me. How can I prevent oversharing when I don't have anyone my own age to talk to?

Thanks for your question. It's so important to talk with someone about how you're feeling and share your thoughts, without that being held against you. Sometimes it can be really helpful to talk with a person who is nonjudgemental and is used to hearing those kinds of things. Maybe you could talk to Marcelle? Another option is to find your own way to express yourself - writing, like journalling can be incredibly helpful. If you like the digital option, then the notes app on your phone is an idea, or there are also some nice journalling apps you can get. Friends can be all different ages - and someone older can be a great support if they have had some similar experiences. Best of luck with shareing your feelings safely xoxox Aunty Hilda

I am going to be away from school for a big chunk of time and I am really worried my friends are going to do stuff without me, but mostly that they will forget about me. What can I do?

Thanks for reaching out with your concern. This is a totally understandable worry, we all suffer from FOMO from time to time. There's a lot you can do to help keep these friendships alive - messaging, facetime etc, but also inviting your friends over for a movie night etc etc. Asking them to keep you up to date with what's going on and sharing your concern with them can also be helpful. All the best with managing this situation. I'm sure your friends will really miss you. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I like a guy but I think I like his brother too, what should I do to figure out who I actually like?

Thanks for this really tricky question. It's not unusual to like more than one person at the same time. Maybe you can think about what it is that you like about them - is it their looks, or their personality, or your shared interests? Maybe you need to spend a bit more time deciding what's important to you and not be blinded by what you like. All the very best to you with this! Aunty Hilda xoxox

My bf watches heaps of porn and I'm not feeling comfortable about it

Thanks for your really important question. You are uncomfortable for a really good reason. There are lots of problems with porn, like violence and degrading acts against women and sometimes boys think that is what they are supposed to do and girls think they have to say yes. It might be a really good idea to talk to your bf about how this is making you feel. You deserve to feel special in your relationship and that you are the only one who has a sexual connection with your bf and that you are special in that way to him. If you don't want him to be watching pornography, then you have every right to say that. It is normal for people to be aroused outside of the relationship, but it's important that you decide together what your boundaries are with this. It's normal to be curious and to want to have a look at those kinds of things, but if it becomes something that happens frequently, and something that's relied on, then it is a problem for the individual as well as the relationship. Unfortunately porn has become very accessible and very normalised in our society - that doesn't mean it's ok though. Have a discussion and see how you get on. Best of luck to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Do you know who sends in what question?

Hi there - great question! There is absolutely no way we can see who sends the question in. The only thing we see is the time it was sent. Please be reassured this is completely confidential. Lots of love Aunty Hilda xoxox

I'm being excluded from my friend group - what should I do?

Thank you for your question. That's such a very hard thing to be experiencing - one of the most horrible feelings. It's really important that you try and include yourself. It's common to step back and be more quiet in this situation, and that just makes you less visible. By not including yourself, people see you as not being included and they won't include you..... It's a vicious cirlce. You have to be brave and step into the social space. Invite them to do something, and act the way you would if you were feeling included and feeling good. It's amazing how much people pick up on our confidence (or lack of) and our body language, as to whether we are socially available. Best of luck with this, these things never last forever. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I sometimes feel left out with my friends because I don't have snapchat or tiktok or any social media. What should I do?

Hello :) thanks for your question. Feeling like you're missing out, or being left out, is a really hard and sometimes horrible feeling. Maybe this is a good opportunity to be really present with your communication and put your efforts into real life talking and hanging out. Maybe you could have a conversation with your parents about negotiating some ways that you could try social media, in order to show them that you can manage it appropriately? However, it can also be good to know that after year 10 there is a lot less focus on social media and more focus on rl. It is also a great opportunity for you to talk to your friends about your situation so that they can take this into account and ensure that they include you via texting or facetime. Good luck with this, I know it propbably feels really unfair, but you're not the only one dealing with this. I promise. Lots of love to you, Aunty HIlda xoxox

Where do I go if I think I may have depression.

I am so sorry to hear that you are not feeling good. It is a horrible way to be feeling and I hope that you can find some ways to get some support. You could see your school counsellor, Marcelle, or you could go to your GP, or you could look up www.thelowdown.co.nz or contact a helpline like 1737 or 4357 for lifeline. You can feel better, so please check out one of those options. Thinking of you, lots of love always, Aunty Hilda xoxo

I really like this guy, but he likes my best friend. I don't know what to do.

Thank you for sharing your really tricky situation. This is a really hard situation for you and really painful. This might be a good timie to step away from those feelings, even though it's incredibly hard. Your best friend will always be more important than any boy and you don't want to risk the friendship. There's no easy way around this. Be kind to yourself and gentle with your heart, this feeling won't last forever. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Why do so many people send dick pics?

That is a really great question..... sending a dick pic when it has not been asked for, is aggressive, a violation of your personal space, and unnecessary. Like other things on social media, if you can't say it to their face, you shouldn't say it. And here, if you wouldn't show your body parts to the actual person, then it definitely shouldn't be sent! There is an assumption by many young men that their penis holds power and represents their macho mascullinity, but girls are called sluts if they do the same thing.... there is a definite imbalance here! Be careful about who you add on social media. It's not ok to get dick pics if you haven't asked for one. Best of luck, Aunty Hilda xox

A boy made a comment about how I look and now I feel really insecure and he didn't care

Hello petal, I am so very sorry to hear this has happened to you. Firstly, that boy had no right to comment on your body. That is something that no one should ever do. Some very immature and unkind boys think that they can bring you down by making you feel bad about your body or your appearance. The hard part here is to completely disregard his comments as anything at all to do with you - those comments say a lot about him, and nothing about you. You might want to think about if you want this person in your life. You ARE beautiful and you ARE worthy. His words only have meaning if you give them space in your life. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Why is it a bad thing to send nudes?

Thank you for your very important question. Nudity and being nude, can be a great thing, celebrating your body and enjoying the freedom! Sending nudes however, can get very complicated - you no longer have any control about what happens to that image (even if you trust the person) and boys can sometimes be very disrespectful. Even if you're a in a relationship with someone doesn't mean there is an expectation on you to have to send nudes. Also thinking about what happens to those images should you break up, is an important consideration. Sometime there can be threats and pressure to send nudes - that is never, ever ok. Also receiving images (dick pics) without your consent, is not ok either. There are important legal issues to consider: it is actually illegal to send 'objectionalble' images if you are under the age of 18. check out the link to the harmful digital communications act below. https://www.justice.govt.nz/courts/civil/harmful-digital-communications/ Best of luck to you :) Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I sometimes feel really lonely with my friends, and I don't know what they are talking about. What should I do?

Thank you for sharing your really tough situation. It is not uncommon for people to feel excluded within their friendgroup, however there might be some things you can do to feel better. if this has been going on for some time, then thinking about other people in your year who might be better friends could be worth thinking about. It requires you to be a bit brave and put yourself out there with some other people, but it 's worth being with people who value you and respect you. If it's only been happening for a short time - then maybe something happened that you weren't part of? Like a sports trip or something? It's ok to ask them what they are talking about. An option is that you can tell them how you are feeling - if they are good friends they will want to make an effort. All the best for this situation. Take care, love Aunty Hilda xoxox

Is 12 too young to have Sex?

Thank you for your question. That's an interesting thing to think about. When you start getting your period, then you are essentially, physically, a woman and your body is saying it is potentially able to carry a baby. However, at the age of 12, your emotional maturity is still developing. 12 is still considered a child and sex at this age can be more harmful. At this age, the question is also who would the partner be -If the boy is also 12, then he is also not mature enough to manage that kind of relationship. If the boy is much older than that can be a real cause for concern. Legally, the age where you can consent is 16. The reason for that, is so that you are in a better place to hopefully make good decisions about your body and what you do with it. If you have more questions about that, please talk to an adult you trust. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

What are your opinions and advice on long distance relationships?

Thanks for a great question! Generally speaking, long distance realtionships can be hard work. It can depend on whether you know you will be together again and this is a short term issue, or if you are continuing a relationship knowing that you are not. Trust is a big factor here - is this a relationship that has lots of trust, or will you torture yourself wondering and worrying? Sometimes when we only talk on the phone or social media, then we run the risk of only seeing each other at good times and sharing good things and we can be fooled that things are better than they are. It can be better to say goodbye while you're on good terms rather than things becoming uncomfortable over time. Only you will know how important this person is and if the relationship is worth the extra emotional burden. Best of luck to you, love Aunty hilda xoxoxox

I'm so insecure about my skin and I feel like no one understands

Thank you for your really important question. It can be so hard to feel good about ourselves when there are flaws that we focus on and feel alone with. As young women, comparison and resulting low self worth can be a real challenge. Perfect skin is currently a big thing on social media and that can really add to peoples insecurities. It's normal to have bad skin at times, or for a long time during adolesence and focussing on your inner beauty, the other parts of your self that you do find positive and attractive is important for us all. You are worthy and loveable regardless of your skin. Please remember that. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxo

I feel like I'm the last person to have sex. Will I be a virgin forever?

Thank you for sharing your question :) You can never guarantee anything, but don't put pressure on the when. It's not something to get out of the way and you don't need to rush it. The other thing to remember, is that there are HEAPS of other people your age, and older, who have not had sex. Sometimes we think we are the only ones going through things,- but that is never the case. When the time is right for you, it will happen. It's not a race :) Take care and look after your precious self. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I'm tired of people treating me differently because of what I have been through/going through. Is it better to keep things to myself or risk sharing it with people and be treated differently?

Hey, it sounds like you've been going through some really tough stuff. We're really sorry to hear that and sorry these experiences are weighing you down and taking up so much space in your life. It's really important that you do not bottle up your feelings, but it's also important to be careful who you share your personal experiences with. Be cautious that it doesn't become the focus of your friendships and ensure there is balance - do other things together and talk about interests and fun things. You are allowed to say you don't want to talk about things and you're allowed to change your mind about what you want people to do with what they know. Also, thinking about who can listen and hold space for your experiences, like a counsellor or safe adult, can be useful to help keep your other friendships more relaxed and open. Journalling is also a really great option for some people - maybe you could get yourself a really nice journal and try writing how you're feeling. Take care of your precious self, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Is it possible to fall out of love? What does that feel like?

Hi there, - great question! I think the answer is probably yes. People change, through no fault of anyone in particular, you can grow to be quite different and find that what you once liked, loved and were attracted to, is no longer the same. The feeling, while different for everyone, might be that you no longer want to spend time with them, priorotise them or feel excited to see them. If these things are happening for you, then it can be good to talk to your partner about it and see if you can solve the things that might be getting in the way. Having an argument or a rough patch doesn't necessarily mean you no longer love someone. Feelings in relationships can be so very complicated! Best of luck to you, love Aunty Hilda xoxox

How do I stay motivated and happy when I am an introvert, depressed and live with a toxic family?

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this and having this experience. Sometimes it can be helpful to try and explain how you are feeling to your family - if that is something you haven't tried already? Staying motivated and happy is a good question when other things are not going well - can you focus on the things you enjoy and find fulfilling, keep your friends close and maybe share with them how you are feeling. It's completely fine being an introvert, take the time you need to be alone and recharge. There were a lot of other things in your question and we want you to know that you are special, important and valued here at St hildas. I have a good friend, Marcelle, who might be a great person for you to talk this over with. You can email her for a time to meet. Big hugs to you, love Aunty Hilda xox

Will my first time having sex be painful?

Thank you for your wonderful question - everybody wonders that! It is common for first time sex for a woman to be a little uncomfortable, or slightly painful. It's not the same for everybody, however, all intercourse sex feels a lot better with lubrication. Natural lubrication happens when we are aroused - and this can take some time. So no rush! Also, having some lubrication on hand can be helpful (e.g. durex lubricants beside the condoms in the supermarket). This is a good idea when using condoms anyway. best of luck, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxo

Will I bleed the first time I have sex?

Hi, such a great question - You might bleed a little, which is completely normal. However, since many girls use tampons, the likelihood of bleeding is a little less, because the hymen (the small piece of skin covering the vagina inside the opening) has already been stretched. If bleeding during sex is a frequent thing, then visiting your Dr would be a good idea. All the best, lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxo

If I have sex for the first time with a condom, will I need the morning after pill?

That's a great question. If you used the condom as per instructions (ie - not expired, checking for rips, opening it carefully and rolling it down the penis shaft all the way, and making sure there is enough lubrication) and removing it carefully after ejaculation, then there should be no reason to need additional contraception. If there was an issue with any of these things, then the morning after pill is a very good idea. You have a 72 hour window for this. The sooner, the better. It is free at Family Planning (lower Hanover St). Take care, lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

​How do I tell my best friend I hooked up with her boyfriend?

Well done for asking such a difficult question and wanting to take accountability for your actions. It's really important to make a time to see your friend, away from other distractions or people. Then, take a big breath and be honest. You will need to accept that she may be very angry with you and you will have to acknowledge her feelings and accept how she may react. She may want to know why this happened, so be prepared to share your intentions and why you did what you did. Her boyfriend is equally at fault here, but be careful to only talk about what you did wrong and take responsibility for that. This is not an easy thing for any of you, so good on you for being brave about wanting to be honest. This is a great idea. Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I went to a party where I got really drunk and was sexually assaulted in front of other people. No body did anything and now those guys think it's funny. I feel really disgusting and alone

What an awful thing to have happen. We are so sorry to hear this has happened to you. What they did to you is against the law. Nothing about your story is ok and you haven't done anything wrong. It's really important to talk to somebody you trust about how you are feeling. This was an assault and you have a number of options as to how you might deal with it. But first, it's really important that you feel safe and heard in telling your story. These boys who are making fun of what happened and minimising your experience are unworthy of your time. They have a lot of growing up and learning to do about what is right and wrong, consent, human rights, the law and basic respect. It is normal to feel disgusting after something like this and reaching out to find help and support is a really important part of the healing. You are not alone in this. Even though it is often not talked about, there are so many people in our community who share your experience. Thank you for sharing with us and helping others feel seen too. We send you much love xoxox Aunty Hilda

How do I fake an orgasm?

Hi there - What a great question! Why on earth would you want to fake it anyway?? A conversation around how you would like your partner to pleasure you, can only really come after you know what it is that you like. Being able to touch yourself and explore what it is that feels good for you, is really important, normal and helpful when it comes to being intimate with another person. It is really normal for boys to masturbate and they talk about it more often too. It is just as normal for girls to do this too, however it gets talked about less openly. Talk to your partner about what feels good - that's the sign of a good communicative relationship. You shouldn't have to make them feel better about themselves , by pretending. No one is winning there! All the very best! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

What do I do if my partner does something I'm not comfortable with during sex?

Great question! It's really important to talk about things beforehand if possible, or think about the things that you are comfortable doing and what you are not comfortable doing. But if there is something that comes up that doesn't feel ok, then saying so at the time is really important! It can feel a bit uncomfortable sometimes to say what you really feel or really want, but honestly, it's one of the most important things to practise! Your partner should always respect your sexual boundaries and if they put pressure on you, or continue to try and convince you, or disrespect your wishes, then he just has to go! Best of luck to you. ots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My boyfriend gets drunk every weekend, how do I tell him to stop?

Hi there, thanks for raising this really common issue. In Dunedin schools there is a really problematic drinking culture, closely linked to the problem drinking at Otago Uni. You are right to be concerned about how this will be affecting his brain and potential addiction issues. It is a real issue and one that is worth communicating to him about if it is impacting your relationship. It's really important that you look after yourself here - it is not your job to fix this in him. However, if you are worried and care about what is happening, then telling him how you feel is a good place to start. Telling him honestly about your thoughts and concerns is the only way here. Depending on the individual circumstances, then you may want to tell an adult in his life who can help further. Protect your own peace. Lots of love to you Aunty Hilda xoxo

I am transitioning and I was wondering when I fully transition, will I get kicked out of school because this is an all girls school?

This is a great question, thanks for asking. Our enrolment policy states that you must be female at the time of enrolment, however, once you are here, your position at this school is yours, no matter how you identify. lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

If I had a baby would the school kick me out?

This is a common question! You can not be kicked out from school for having a baby. If you choose to have a baby, then continuing with education is a very important thing to do, however, this can be quite challenging to do with a baby. No school is allowed to kick out a pregnant student. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I like this boy but I don't know if he is too old for me, how many years older than me is too old?

This is an interesting question - Your age is important as the first part to this question. If you are under 16 and he is older than 16, then please refer to last weeks question about consent, as this will help answer some of that. I'm wondering if your question means that you are feeling uncomfortable about the age gap, or if it is others responses that you are worried about? Relationships always, for everyone, should be about two people respecting each other and being kind and considerate - no matter what their age. Having said that, being aware that there can be a power imbalance with an older partner and possible expectations of what will happen in the relationship is important. Do you have common interests, friends who would get along and that you share the same relationship values. Best of luck!!! Lots of love Aunty hilda xoxox

Plan B, how does it work, when should I take it, what does it do to your body?

Thanks for this question - Plan B is an emergency contraceptive pill that you can take after unprotected sex, up to 72 hours later. It is best to take it within the first 24 hours. It is a massive dose of hormones, which delays the release of an egg (ovulation) and thickens the mucus to prevent the sperm from accessing the egg. It can cause you to feel sick, tired, mood swings, can cause some break through bleeding and potentially mix up your cycle for a month or so. Remeber that if you vomit, you will need to take another (take it with food to reduce nausea).It is a responsible thing to look after your reproductive health, so there is never any need to feel ashamed. Check out our contraception and safe sex page for more info. All the best, lots of love, Aunty hilda xoxox

What do I do if I get ghosted and they never ended the relationship

I'm really sorry to hear that you are being disrespected like this. It could be helpful to clear up if there's been a misunderstanding, by messaging them and asking them directly. If you reach out and get no response or continue to be ghosted, then probably the best thing for you, is to look after your self and remove them from your contacts so that it helps to get them out of your mind as a possibility. All the best - you deserve someone who communicates with respect. Lots of love Aunty Hilda xoxox

How do I tell my guy best-friend that likes me that I like his best-friend? 

That sounds like a really tricky situation! There are a few things going on here.... communication is always your best bet, but also thinking about whether you value the friendship you have with your guy best friend more than you like his best friend - and if you are willing to risk your friendship for it. Having said that, your guy best friend has indicated that he would like to potentially risk the friendship in order to take it a bit further. Maybe talking it through with your guy friend is the first step? Also, how do you know if the guy you like, likes you back?? Ultimately, you have to make a decision based on what you think is most important to you. Best of luck with this situation!! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xxx

Are abortions free in New Zealand?

Hi, thanks for your question :)Abortions are free for NZ citizens. For more information you can visit www.decide.org.nz or the ministry of health www.health.govt.nz. All the very best to you, love Aunty Hilda xxx

I know the age of consent is 16, but I've got less than a year to go. Every time we kiss it's really intense and if feels like we can't get close enough! It's awkward afterwards, which means I know they feel it too. What should I do???

This is such a great question! It sounds like you haven't talked to your partner about this yet and that would definitely be the best place to start! Talking about how you're both feeling can be a really good way at then deciding what you can do about the issue. There are lots of other things you can do together to feel good about each other and bring each other pleasure, without having intercourse. The law says that you aren't able to give legal consent until the age of 16, so you have to be careful if your partner is over that age, because there can be issues for them. In any relationship the most important thing is that you both have decided on what you want together and feel comfortable with that decision for yourself. Safe and respectful is what it's all about :) Best of luck to you both, love Aunty Hilda xxx

A boy that I hooked up with pressured me to suck him off when I didn't want to, made me feel like sh*t afterwards when I didn't do it. I never did it but still feel bad.

We are so sorry to hear that you have had to experience this very horrible thing. But we are so proud of you for standing up for yourself and respecting your own boundaries! A lot of guys think that sex is just for them and that girls are there to please them - sadly they are mistaken. There is no such thing as being negatively affected by not ejaculating, although there is often pressure, like "oh you lead me on," or "now I've got blue balls, (which is not a real thing btw...!)look what you've done", or "you're such a tease", "I thought you wanted it" etc etc!!! You can hook up with someone and change your mind, or stop, or decide not to go any further, at any time. And that is O.K!! A lot of people feel really awkward and think they have to go through with it once they've started. BUT if everyone thinks that, then that means, you have a lot of support in one another. Aunty Hilda wishes you all the very best in your journey. You are a strong Wahine and you have been a great role model for others. Thank you. Lots of love to you xxxxx

My friend is in love with our other friend and it's really weird because I'm in love with her too!

That sounds like it could be complicated!! So it's really important to think about the possible consequences for your friendship and whether it's worth pursuing anything. You can still have a really good relationship with someone without it turning romantic. If you do think this is more than a passing crush, then communication with your friends is really important here. Gauging your friends level of interest here is worth considering. Does she like either of you in that way? I would recommend thinking carefully about the value of your friendships here. All the very best xxxx Aunty Hilda

How do I get over my first love when they just broke up with me?

We are really sorry to hear that. You must be feeling lots of big and painful emotions at times. it's really important to let yourself feel and express these emotions and is a really important part of the being able to move on process. Spending time with yourself, and people who really care about you, doing things that you love and talking to someone you trust, can be really helpful. Distraction is good - but don't use distraction to run away from how you are feeling! It can be useful to create special time each day to focus on those hard feelings and let yourself really be in that space - ie journalling, listening to music, or whatever works well for you. Take the time to be with you - learn to love yourself fully again and take lots of time before you think about another relationship. Lots of love to you xxx Aunty Hilda

How do I feel better about my appearance when the beauty standards are so high?

Thank you for bringing this really important and challenging issue to Aunty Hilda. Someone elses beauty doesn't detract from your own. You can be, and are beautiful, even if others are too, in a different way.  Beauty isn't a finite thing - it changes and develops as we grow and change. Positive self talk is so good - little tiny things that you can find about yourself to be kind about. It might be the colour of your eyes, or the way your nose crinkles when you smile - these are things you can take time to notice and appreciate about yourself. Because it will be so true that others see that in you. It's so easy to find fault in ourselves and be unkind, when we would never dream of saying those things to others. Try and treat yourself the way you would one of your closest friends. Social media is so fake  - and it messes with our brains - try to limit what you look at! And it's important not to use filters, because it will really mess with your sense of self. Genetically there are many things we can't change - ie thigh gaps, and where you store your body fat. That wee pooch on your tummy is there to protect your uterus - it's your body is trying to do the right thing and really caring about your wellbeing. . What you might think is beautiful doesn't necessarily mean everyone thinks that. Remember, this is the beauty industry which feeds off women's insecurity so they can make billions of dollars. You might like to check out this website for more support. https://bodyimagemovement.com/.   You are beautiful. Lots of love and hugs from Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

All my friends know how to use tampons but I'm too embarrassed to ask

Great question! It can take a bit of practise, so don't be put off. Some of the Aunties would suggest starting off with applicator tampons, because they can be easier to use. There is also a diagram in the tampon box, which shows you the angle in which to insert the tampon. It's important to relax and try when you are properly bleeding so there is enough lubrication. If you do not successfully insert a tampon, then don't try with the same one again. Get a new one! Also, make sure you put it in far enough!! It should be a tampon plus a finger deep - or the whole applicator. It is truly uncomfortable if you don't get it in far enough. if it's right, then you shouldn't even know it's there. All the best!! Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I think I'm pregnant but I don't know how to get a test without my parents finding out - and what do I do if I am?!

Sorry to hear that you are going through a scary and confusing time, but we are so pleased you have come to ask us for some helpful advice. Firstly Family Planning is a great place to get free advice and free testing for pregnancy and STI's. It is completely confidential and non judgmental and you don't need your parents permission or supervision to go. (you can also go to your GP with parental consent, but that will cost). Their contact details are: (03) 4775850 and their address is 95 Hanover St central Dunedin. If you are pregnant they will help you with everything you need to know going forward. They are also a great place to talk about contraception. It's important to know that a pregnancy test can only be used once you have missed your period - or if you don't know when your period is due, then at least 21 days after you last had unprotected sex. You don't have to be alone in this situation, so please reach out to trusted adults and friends who can support you through this time. With lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

How do I know I'm going to get my period soon?

Hi there, if this is about your very first period ever, then...... it's a bit of a guessing game! You will have had puberty changes take place, ie breast and pubic hair. Then closer to the time of your first period, you may notice an increase in vaginal discharge. You may also notice you get some cramping and some mood changes and more emotional. Your breasts may also get tender or very sore. Also check out our period page on the website!! If you are wondering about how to track your period, there are heaps of period trackers you can use, or jot it down on a calendar or in your diary. The predictors aren't always accurate and lots of girls have irregular periods, so sometimes it's  hard to know! We hope this helps! All the best for your approaching womanhood :) Lots of love Aunty Hilda xoxox

How can we be sure this is confidential?

This is such an important question - thank you for asking it!! Your email address isn't collected, so there is no way we can see who has sent it, because the only information we get is the question, on the form. All we know is the time the question was sent. We want to share your questions for everyones benefit. It's not important who asked it, but rather that everyone benefits from learning something new. Thank you! Lots of love Aunty Hilda xox

I really like this guy but I don't know if I like him in THAT way, how do I tell?

Hi there! There's absolutely no rush to do anything about this yet. Get to know each other better and see if you can figure out what romantic attraction feels like to you. It can be difficult sometimes to tell the difference between a great friendship and romantic or sexual feelings. In a romantic relationship it's important to know within yourself what level of romantic, sexual and friendship is important for you. It may take some time to figure this out - however you are the only one who can understand your emotions. All the best!! Don't get influenced by what others might think Lots of love Aunty Hilda xox

What is Sex?

This is such a great question!! Often we think everyone knows about sex, but actually there are a lot of questions. It's really hard to put sex into one category, but we will try and answer your questions as best we can. Sex has a strong emotional factor, which is just as important as what goes on physically. First of all, you will have decided that you are ready for a sexual experience and hopefully you will be clear about the consent process going forward (Check out our consent page). So, in a sexual encounter, things should move at a speed where both people are comfortable and checking in all the way through is really important. Sex is not just one main event ie. (a penis in a vagina) but it's the whole experience of getting to know each other, touching each other and exploring who you are and what you like together and alone. It's important not to rush into "having sex" because it can be disappointing and upsetting if you feel like the emotional parts of this interaction have been missed out. Also, remember that there are so many different types of sex, not just heterosexual penetrative sex, but also homosexual sex, with many other ways of enjoying each other. These are all valid and you should feel comfortable to express yourself as you wish. This is a big question, we hope we have helped a little :) Love from Aunty Hilda. (You may want to check out the website for more details)

What age do you think is a good age to have boyfriends? Because a lot of my friends do but i don't know if i should 

Thank you for your excellent question :) It sounds to me like you have already thought about this a lot and have a subconscious understanding of what you really want/think. If you are asking if you should be getting into a relationship because others are, then that is never a good reason. Have you met someone who you would like to get to know better? Or are you simply thinking about it like a box to tick. There is no age at which having a relationship is the right age - it's always about meeting the right person and deciding together that this is what you would like. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

My boyfriend wants to do more than just making out but I’m not ready for that, how do I tell him?

Thanks for this valuable question! You are so right to feel uncomfortable about doing something you are not ready to do. In any relationship, the most important thing is to speak up, and use your voice about how you are really feeling. It's common to feel like you are the only one experiencing that - but this is a frequent issue. SO - it's really useful to know that most people  like knowing what their partner does and doesn't want to do.  More importantly, this conversation that you will have together, will make your relationship stronger. OR you'll find out that he's actually not worth your time and moving on from someone who isn't respectful is definitely your best option! Good luck with being your strong awesome self xox Aunty Hilda

What is an orgasm?

Such a great question! An orgasm is a physical and psychological sensation experienced during sexual arousal and climax. It is often described as a pleasurable release of sexual tension that is accompanied by intense feelings of pleasure and satisfaction. During an orgasm, there is a series of rhythmic contractions in the pelvic region, including the muscles of the vagina or penis, the uterus. These contractions are usually accompanied by a buildup of tension and followed by a sense of release and relaxation.  Variability: Women's experiences of orgasm can vary widely. Some women may consistently experience orgasm with ease, while others may have difficulty achieving orgasm or may require specific types of stimulation. It's important to recognize and respect individual differences. Clitoral stimulation: The clitoris is a highly sensitive organ located above the vaginal opening. For most women, clitoral stimulation plays a crucial role in achieving orgasm. Direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris through manual stimulation, oral sex, or the use of sex toys can enhance sexual pleasure and increase the likelihood of orgasm. Multiple types of orgasm: Women can experience different types of orgasms, including clitoral, vaginal, or blended orgasms that combine clitoral and vaginal stimulation. It's important to explore and understand what types of stimulation work best for each individual. Emotional and mental factors: Emotional and mental factors, such as relaxation, trust, and a positive sexual mindset, can significantly influence a woman's ability to orgasm. Creating a comfortable and supportive environment can enhance the likelihood of experiencing orgasm. Communication: Open and honest communication with sexual partners is crucial for understanding each other's needs and desires. Women should feel comfortable discussing their preferences, boundaries, and any difficulties they may encounter in achieving orgasm. This can foster a more satisfying sexual experience for both partners. Practice and exploration: Understanding the female orgasm often requires self-exploration and experimentation. Learning about one's own body, preferences, and what feels pleasurable through self-stimulation (masturbation) can provide valuable insights to share with a partner. Orgasm and pleasure are not the sole goals: It's important to remember that sexual pleasure and intimacy are not solely focused on achieving orgasm. The journey and connection between partners are just as important as the destination. Focusing solely on orgasm as the measure of sexual success can create unnecessary pressure and potentially detract from the overall experience.  All the best! xox Aunty Hilda

What do I do if i don't know how to break up with someone?

Thanks for reaching out to Ask Aunty Hilda :) It sounds like you already know that this is not the right relationship for you and it's great that you are listening to your self about what feels best. Breaking up is never easy and  there are lots of good ways you can go about it. Telling them this isn't right for you, but you still care about them, is one option. Telling them in person is always best too :) Being respectful and expecting respect in return, is important.  We know that however you do it, it will possibly be confusing and painful for you or both of you and being kind to yourself during this process is important. Best of luck to you - lots of love from Aunty Hilda xox

How do I get out of the friendzone???

We are really sorry to hear that you're in this confusing spot. I hope we can give you some comfort here..... It's really hard when we can't control what other people feel about us, especially if we want more than they are giving. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to tell them how you really feel. You never know - maybe they feel the same way. Remember not to feel like you need to change yourself or be different in order to get out of the friendzone. If they don't like you in that way, that doesn't mean you are any less perfect than you already are. Be true to yourself and no one can make you feel less than or unworthy.  Maybe they really love having you as a friend, which is a special and lucky thing to have . Best of luck! Love Aunty Hilda xox

What would others say if i was trans/gay?

Aunty Hilda wants you to know that being who you are is all that matters! It's never easy wondering what others think about us, but if we are being true to ourselves, that is all we can possibly hope for. Being you means you will find your people and your tribe - if people aren't supportive of you, then they aren't your real friends anyway. It's a brave and courageous thing to do and please know that Aunty Hilda is behind you all the way! Much love xox Aunty Hilda

 How do I move forward when the past is dragging me down?

Great question..... always give yourself space to feel what you're feeling and giving yourself time to heal from whatever it is that is dragging you down. When we try and move on too quickly, we often find that we get pulled back because we haven't processed the thing we need to work on. Finding things that you enjoy is a great way to help yourself move forward, as well as finding new interests and ways to occupy yourself positively. If you find yourself dwelling in the past again, you can try giving yourself ten minutes (on the clock) to write down how you're feeling (which gets it out of your head and onto the paper) or allow yourself to drift in those memories. But then, shift your focus again to the present and what you have now that you can be grateful for. Remember that our past is always an important part of who we are and loving the challenging parts of our history helps make us a more colourful and strong person. Give your younger self, the one who experienced this hurt, a kind hug and a few loving words of encouragement. She will appreciate that you are there for her. Lots of love from your Aunty Hilda xox

How do I break up a friendship in a kind and gradual way when the other person doesn't seem to take the hint

This is a common and tricky situation! It's great that you know what it is that you want and need in this relationship. As always, communicating clearly is best, but we know this is easier said than done. Sometimes saying that you need a bit of space can be helpful, or distancing yourself without ignoring them, can be a gradual and gentle way. If you were in their shoes, what would you like them to do? You're obviously someone who cares about the feelings of others, so be kind to yourself in this also, by speaking up and standing up for yourself. You are strong, even in these difficult and challenging conversations. We all need to practise having them at times and they are always hard to do. Best of luck, xox Aunty Hilda

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